Forgiveness

I am reminded recently of how forgiving we must be, so we too will receive such. But forgiveness is nothing but time. Time to forgive or not yet or not….. it doesn’t bother I watched this movie by Nicholas Cage and Téa Leoni entitled “The Family Man” which I have actually seen a couple of times. But the naive thing was suddenly ponder on something: choice between yourself and success – soar high up to wealth and power OR yourself and family- be a family man/woman. Two points/ sides were realized. You cannot have both world. Congratulations to those you has it and boy! may I say I envy you in every breath you take!Anyway, moving on, I have chosen the latter. Family so height of career, of being Someone ended up with Anyone -No one. What I have is my own family – husband, kids. Had a career but nothing last because “family first”. Always together a family. I cant say I do not like it, but I cant help thinking sometimes what could have been my life had I chose myself ( selfish much?!). What coulda, shoulda, woulda….
I got no opportunity knowing unlike the character of Nicholas Cage as Jack Campbell in the movie, who was spared with “a glimpse” by Don Cheadel.
I do not know whether it will be worth fighting for, for Jack to love his glimpsed life than what he really is.
I won’t know too if I’d be in that position,but what I think: do not put ourselves between choices like love And career. It is always one or the other and once you made the choice- no turning back. Just regrets or have it. if I won’t be forgiven by anyone – if that is the main reason why I will forgive but my true self,the very heart of me cries out NO. The pain, the anger have seethed inside the very heart of me and ate each thought I have why to forgive, lest, to forget. I am devastated, destroyed,broken down I to pieces by those I cherished, cared and put up first before my very own- and then left all alone, judged, isolated and emptied. My faith none. I am existing for no vivid reason and therefore I am living each day bounded by a lot of uncertainties. They perhaps had moved on, I am stuck. That worsen my agony. Why is it hard? The piled up emotions and aches, I supposed. I am empty .I am sad. At times, I want to end all And maybe in my next lifetime, I will be in a better time. Good parents, siblings, great career, great life. Not the hell-hole. It is not self-pity, but regret. And no matter how many times I psychologize, work things out personally, I ended up with hate,loathing myself, my choices, the world I chose. My existence in a waste. I struggled for nothing,live for nothing,exist for nothing -pathetic,that is what it is. No one – is who I am and who I have become.
Sent from my BlackBerry Z30 smartphone.

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